The Bird Maker Kicked My Ass
Reader, bird enthusiast, poor soul that comes to read these articles for no goddamn reason, welcome! There is no time to waste with a lengthy introduction, I have extremely grave, important news for all four of you who will read this. However, I assume you might be wondering how I might go about having a lengthy introduction. I will spare you the exact details because it would go on for far too long and the point of this article would get away from me. In fact, the point of the article has already gotten away from me, so, I might as well just give you guys the lengthy introduction, even though I don't even know how to give such a long intro. I am well versed in the art of getting to the point and not beating around the bush. People only beat around the bush when they're too afraid or embarrassed to say or do something, and that kind of person is not me. Look at me right now for God's sake. I am the epitome of cutting straight to the chase. So you know what, I take it back, I will not be giving a long introduction just because I 'forgot what I was supposed to be writing about'. When have I ever let that stop me before. Go back and read any of my articles. Does it sound like I had time to stop and think about what I was writing? No. I got right to it regardless of what I was supposed to be writing and made some articles which were all arguably the exact opposite of what I should have been writing. So to reiterate, very sorry about the short intro, but I have extremely important news that needs to be shared immediately. Hoping I can remember what it is before the next section, let's jump in;
So I've read the title and remembered the news. Let's get right on to it;
In fact, you could even say I did terribly against him. In the best of terms, (This is when the author uses the title of the book or article within the book or article and it's really cool) The Bird Maker Kicked My Ass. Big time. And it turns out, I was wrong about him the whole time. Not about the Bird Maker himself, he's still a feral old spindly bitch and I hate him, but I found out, his army? Not even his army. Not even birds! They were just people and tourists going along the hiking trail on the mountain he has claimed as his own. And all those birds he commanded? Not even his! We sneaked under their radar so easily because not only did they 1) not belong to him, they also, 2) did not care at all that a human (a very common sighting on this mountain) with some birds taped to him (birds are also very common in the outdoors) was sneaking through the woods trying to find this old fucker. And god, he was all over the place, fucking ridiculous. Makes me feel like this: :(. Like that. Sad. And disappointed. You want to hear about his tactics and strategies? You want to know where his combat prowess came from? ME FUCKING TOO. God damn it.
His Tactics and Strategies
HE HAD NONE. This man was the very definition of impulsive. The physical embodiment of 'no mercy'. God, fuck. So let's try and decipher this fuck nest of half baked ideas and barely thought through plans that SOMEHOW, SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE decided would be enough to get through my perfectly thought out attacks and defenses.
- Weapons - He used his birds, of course. Fucking slung some birds at me, it was just outright insanity. I- god, I cannot believe that worked. God. He just saw a bird and thought 'yyeeaahh dduudee,, wweeaappoonn' just chucked them at me. And it hurt too!
- Armor - Birds. Just. Just glued some birds on him so that I couldn't hit him. What sort of madman. I don't think he planned this one either, my personal theory is that this fucker was SITTING AROUND, EATING SOME GLUE, and HAPPENED, to fall on the right birds at the right time.
- Defenses - Absolutely none. He didn't need them, there was no way for me to attack. remember how I keep calling him old and feral? BECAUSE HE'S OLD AND FERAL AS SHIT? Even if I had been able to put him on the defensive, the battle took about 5 seconds.
It sucked dude. And you wanna know HOW I know none of this was part of a preconceived plan? Because APPARENTLY this man was not informed that he was being besieged! This freak of aviary nature did not know we were coming! Because those 'bird scouts' were just normal fucking birds. Which is fucking terrifying because 1) That means that, on a daily basis, this is what the Bird Maker is up to. This was literally every day life for him, he didn't even know I was there! and 2) Can you imagine if those birds HAD been scouts? Can you imagine the raw threatening force exerted in every single step, reverberating off of every fiber in his body if he was at full power? If you can imagine it, then please don't, your head will explode. Remember that one episode of Johnny Test where Darth Vegan kept trying to kill Johnny and he kept failing so bad that Johnny kept on with his daily life and didn't even know it was happening? THIS. THIS is what that was. Fuck dude.
So not only have I disappointed you, Reader, I have also just realized that my cat was outside all night and now he's cold and mad at me. I have let down everyone around me, and all I wanted was to bring justice to the Kingdom of Birds and joy into the World of Man. Take this information as you will, and please, for the love of all that is good and holy, do not, I repeat, do. NOT. Try and take on the bird maker at any time or with any amount of numbers (don't read these parentheses if you are a parent or someone that will scold me; I really don't like the bird maker so disregard that last sentence, if you wanna try with me, I'm free because I have no friends, acquaintances, nor people that with to be my friends or acquaintances. Please just help me kill this feral old Bird Maker). With all of this important info brought to the light, I will now wallow in depravity until next week when I once more must show this shameful face amidst those of the untainted. Goodbye, Reader! Have a great beginning of spring!