Guide to Spotting the Eastern Bluebird

Is This You?

     Trying to spot the Eastern Bluebird can be a tricky task. There are a couple of ways to go about it, but Ornithologists agree on two major paths. The first path, titled, "The 'Ole Switcheroo," is easier, but usually nets less results. The second, riskier choice, simply called, "The Whoopsidaise," is preferred. [By me.] Lets begin with The Ole Switcheroo.

The 'Ole Switcheroo

     If you've ever seen an episode of Friends, you know the types of zany antics that Joey (Matt LeBlanc) can get up to. We're going to use one of his strategies here:

                    1. Find a soft piece of fabric in a nice red tint, some googly eyes, and a sewing needle.

                    2. Ask your local seamstress to make a girlfriend for you out of these materials (or a 

                        boyfriend, if you'd like to attract female Bluebirds.) This step is important. If the 

                        seamstress doesn't know what they're doing, they could jeopardize this ENTIRE 

                        OPERATION! I WON'T HAVE THAT, loyal readers.

                   3. Place your new feathery friend on a nice perch, approximately an arm's length away

                       from your viewing spot. Dress yourself in leaves and mud to appropriate yourself

                       with local flora and fauna.

                   4. What happens next is pretty obvious. While you're laying there with your dumb little

                       bird puppet, covered in mud, a group of Eastern Bluebird teenagers are sure to come 

                       laugh at your foolish, foolish face.

The Whoopsidaise

     This one's a little more tricky, you'll have to be careful with it. To start you'll need 6 basic things:

          1. A stepladder

          2. Cowboy hat

          3. The Scrabble board game

          4. An orphan

          5. A U.S. or Canadian Passport

          6. A copy of Season 2 of Friends in English

     The basic gist of this plan is tricking the bird onto thinking you're working for the FDA (that should be clear by now.) Your first step is going be finding an Eastern Bluebird. 

     Don the cowboy hat and bring your Scrabble and passport. Approach the nest and loudly announce your arrival, flashing your passport and proclaiming your FDA affiliation (they're birds they can't read.) Begin an inspection through their nest and trees, leaving a game of Scrabble for their birdlings. Finish your inspection, and say you'll have to return and continue at a later date. "Forget" the Scrabble board and leave.

     Send the orphan in two to three days later with the Friends DVD. Instruct them carefully to overstay their welcome and distract the Bluebirds. While they're distracting the birds, put yourself atop the stepladder positioned around 2 to 3 feet from the nest. While the orphan is distracting the birds, cast your hat onto the nest, drenching them in darkness. Birds, whenever they experience darkness, immediately fall asleep. The orphan should take this as the signal to leave with the Scrabble and Friends DVD. At this point you should have free reign of the nest. 

     Now you can remove the hat and observe the Eastern Bluebirds as you please. When they awaken they're well known to have a bit of the morning crankies, so watch your appendages.

     I hope this guide was helpful! Happy hunting, Ornithologists!