Bird Counting: If You Must, Then Do It Like This

     Hello, Reader. I come to you with a question: How the hell are you supposed to count all of these birds? Like actually... what? How long does it take for scientists to do this? They must spend hours on end just counting birds. And what if the birds move? Wouldn't the scientists forget what birds they've already counted? At the bird expo I talked about earlier this week, we definitely heard a lot of statistics about bird populations, and I can only imagine two methods in which counting this many birds is possible.

1. The Net Method

Now this method requires a few things:

• a helicopter or vantage point 
• a group of birds to count
• a net 
• a solid throwing arm*
• pen and paper

     Now just by reading the list of items, I assume you can tell where I'm going with this, but in case the scheme alludes you then I will explain it. Gather your gear and search for a flock of birds. Once you have found the birds fly your helicopter** over them, but try to do it quietly so that they aren't scared by the noise. Use your throwing arm and cast the net over the group of birds, then while they're all caught under it they should be still enough for you to count them all effectively. Now you should use the pen and paper to write the number down so that you don't forget how many there were.

2. The Ballot Method

 What you will need for this method: 

• a table
• a chair
• a megaphone 
• a lot of pre-numbered ballots

     First take your megaphone and (this is where you can get creative) announce some sort of giveaway/drawing, but to enter each bird must take a numbered ballot. Once all the birds have taken a ballot you simply look to see how many were taken. The hard part is telling all the birds that there is actually no prize at all. I wouldn't recommend using this method, Reader, because, quite frankly, letting all those birds down really makes you feel like shit. 

*If your throwing arm isn't too good then bring a friend with you who does! Bringing a friend can be a fun bonding activity.

**I'm going to assume you're serious enough about bird counting to own your own helicopter.