Get a Load of This Asshole

Ryan F. Mandelbaum

Greetings, fellow bird enthusiasts! With the holidays coming and going, and the year coming to an end, I'd like all of you to join me in trashing on this guy's bird opinions. In Ryan F. Mandelbaum's article from last Tuesday, Dec. 25th, he shares his opinions about what bird should be the poster aviary animal for the Christmas season, and, being completely honest? I have never seen someone be so objectively wrong. Please read the article, because I haven't, I had to stop after the first few paragraphs because I got tunnel vision and subsequently carpal tunnel. If you don't want to read the article just to spite the bird loving man on the other side of your screen, I get it, so here's the gist; 'Red crossbills should be the official Christmas bird, fuck the other, far superior birds, I'm wrong and don't deserve an opinion or a place to share it'. I'm here to call your bullshit, Ryan. This man literally searched 'bird' on Getty images and chose the first one he saw, do some research, like I did. After 2 minutes and 47 seconds I found this bird, the alpha Christmas bird: the Christmas Frigatebird.

Boom. There's my boy.

The Christmas Frigate Bird. Look at this majestic fuck. Up to 3.3 feet long and in an alternate reality they could probably be like 30 pounds. Here they're only like 4 pounds but can you imagine. It's beautiful and cool, and it has a giant beak that holds his sack of presents for the children of the world. Hell, it has Christmas in the name. The only thing that could make this bird better is if the picture was better quality. He lives his life in a power stance, immediately handicapping all the bad children that come into his presence, making him the coolest bird to ever hold the title of  'Christmas Bird'.

Let's take a look at Ryan's choice for official bird of Christmas, the red crossbill:

Little boy that'll steal your ice cream cone

Really Ryan? This is not a Christmas bird this is an old man that's gonna steal my socks and set fire to my 1976 vintage bell bottom jeans in his basement and inhale the fumes while playing Mario Party 8 by himself. Bet he can't even carry a sack of presents. I mean yeah, it's cool but it looks like an off brand robin designed by a 9 year old that doesn't know how to draw a robin, and God didn't want the kid to feel bad so he hung up the drawing on the fridge door that is this Earth. Look at how his wings are behind his back. He looks like he's the least popular guy in school and is about to ask the hottest girl in eighth grade to the dance.

Take specific note of his little beak that got messed up on an evolutionary scale. This is what it looks like when I try to use chopsticks, just ask Riley (I'm getting a lot better though, I'll keep you guys posted. It'll come to me any day now!). Ever seen someone get socked in the face in slow motion? Thought not, our eyes don't work that way yet, but I'm pretty sure that's what it would look like.


In all honesty, I don't hate red crossbills, and this article is all in good fun, but as a bird lover, when I see such slander it must be addressed. Happy holidays everybody, and make sure the Christmas Frigate bird doesn't see you stealing bricks from the outside of your neighbors fire place and replacing them with Oreo packages because you 'need them to build a tower bigger than your friend Nick's'!