SITE UPDATE [1/5/18]

     Hello again dear Reader, I'd like to take the unfortunate task of issuing you another site Update. This one is slightly happier than our last, however. I apologize for my long absence, I was just recently released from the hospital. 
     After a short period of fasting, my neighbor (who was coming over for our weekly game of Mahjong,) found me collapsed on my floor (carpet, not hardwood; I never did have the patience for hardwood floors, and linoleum seems so fake.) After rousing me from my impromptu nap, my neighbor asked me for a phone to dial for an ambulance (I was fading in and out of consciousness, but I certainly don't think I needed to drain emergency resources like that. A simple car ride would have sufficed,) and he began looking around. (I assume for a home phone? I don't know what he was thinking, what do I look like, Bill Gates? I have a cellphone, thank you very much (an expensive one at that, I didn't buy this phone just to be mocked.) I only need one phone, I'm no psycho.) So I directed him to the bowl of keys and after a minute of digging (and me passing out again) he found my car key. (One of them, at least, I like to keep a couple in case there's an emergency and I misplaced one of the others. I ways do that, it's such a terrible habit. Locksmith bills are more expensive than extra keys, pro tip for you, reader! (As we'll later find out, this key is in fact, the wrong key (I keep enough fake keys in my key bowl to deter and would-be thieves))) As my neighbor is carrying me to my car (my car, because he doesn't have his own car. He only moved in a few months ago and is still settling down (which seems like a long enough time to get comfortable to me, but I'm not one to judge.) He's said he'll get around to buying a car soon, but I doubt he has the money for it.) Jacob noticed the commotion and came over to help (he's always eager to lend a hand). As he's starting to carry me with my savior, Jacob also passed out. (around then, everyone (almost half the complex was watching this circus show at this point) noticed that Jacob was just about half the size I was, which is saying something) So now my neighbor has two fainted reporters to deal with, the wrong key, and we're locked out of my apartment. 
     I don't remember a lot of what happened next, I think my neighbor left me on the ground in frustration until a street sweeper bumped into us the next morning. Either way, Jacob and I have been subsisting entirely off of our PICC lines, and we'll be alright soon! Thanks for staying loyal, Reader!

Also, we have a new writer! Let's give him the Bird Inspector Welcome!