Birds Have Come Back For Spring; How To Protect Your Home

Greetings, Reader! As I'm sure you all know, a few weeks ago was the official start of the Spring season, and you know what that means! Most of the birds have been in hibernation all Winter and now, rested and having regained all their energy, have woken up to enjoy their favorite season, which should be pretty nice for everyone, except for the fact that the birds are now at peak levels of danger. Keep reading to find out how to protect all of your pets and (most of) your kids!

Option 1: Defend

These birds are going to be looking for blood, specifically, your blood. Within the spring season, their only goals are to break into your home and find just anything to go after. So obviously your first step will be to stop them from entering your house. Complete all of the following in this specific order;
  • Barricade the Windows - The windows are the weakest point of your house save for, say an open door, but we all know you weren't raised in a barn and can shut a door. However if you were raised in a barn, I assume you already know how to handle this situation, and I also assume that you cannot read so please leave this article. So anyway, your windows will need to be covered, preferably from the outside to save on having to buy new glass, but DO NOT USE WOOD OF ANY KIND. I repeat DO NOT USE WOOD OF ANY KIND. Birds like wood. Birds live in trees made of wood. This will only draw them closer to your house. I recommend a thick piece of sheet metal, as they do not normally make houses out of it, and their eyes will hurt if the glare from the sun bounces off of it.
  • Set Up Secret Knocks With People You Know - An open door is nothing less than going outside, using your baby eyes to find a bird, grabbing it (gently, yet sensually) by the fucking beak, carrying it inside, tying it to a long rope so it can explore your house but can't leave, and then forcing it to watch all 11,985 episodes of The Young and the Restless. So to avoid having to open a door for a bird, set up secret knocks that will be known only by you and the people you make them with (NOT THE BIRDS). For the mail man I recommend a simple 'knock knock knock knock knock', for your sister and her boyfriend (>:( Todd), a more complex 'knock knock knock knock knock' is perfect, and for your closest friends, 'knock knock knock knock knock' is definitely the way to go. I openly discourage seeing anyone that you do not 100% need to until the beginning of summer (and you're on thin fucking ice Todd).
  • Relieve Your Suspicious Gardener Of His Duties - Gardeners can come in all shapes and sizes, but Anthony? Anthony is definitely a shape and size. Why do you have to keep filling up the bird feeder Anthony? Do you keep eating all the seeds out of it? You fat bird fuck? You and your weird lips? Can get the FUCK off of my property. Growing trees out in my yard? What, so you can have a place to sleep tonight? Taking the weeds out of my garden? What, so you can build a nest with MY GROUND MATERIALS? Not on my watch. Not on my goddamn watch. You're fired Anthony. Take your plants and get out of here I don't need your bird SHIT right now.
  • Don't Burn Bridges With Your Suspicious Gardener - Anthony, I will need you back in the summer. That will be all.

Option 2: Attack

  • Chase Birds Off Your Lawn - Birds are stealthy by nature, and this is of course heightened in the spring. However, while in stealth mode, it is hard to switch to attack mode, so if they realize you can see them (oohhhhh those stupid little birds) they will fly away in fear, recuperate, and have to take time to come back.
  • Train Harder Than You've Ever Trained Before - Become a master of the sword. Learn the angles, study the blade, work on your aim, your precision, your power, and your strength. Quit your job, drop out of school, set fire to your material possessions, and lose all hobbies. Your hobby is now the sword. Your only material possession is now the blade. Your school is now the dojo. Your job is now to exterminate. 
  • Just Try Your Best - Being totally real, there is no possible way you can win against the birds, they are too powerful, especially this time of year. So get out there, and give it your all, Reader, you will not win, but you might beat the previous world record for amount of time fighting a group of birds (9.78 seconds. Those birds were pissed).
Reader, I hope you are enjoying the beginning of the Spring season as much as I am, but I also implore you to be extremely careful. Without you, no one will read this blog, and I will be disowned yet again for having no readers. Please be cautious of these aviary beings, and I'll see you next week!


Popular Posts