Slamkwondo: How to Destroy Pigeons

Hello, Reader. Welcome back to another week of BirdInspector. Last week I was trapped in the dungeon of the Bird King and was unable to release this article, I know you were all waiting very patiently for it (and I'm proud of each and every one of you), so let's just hop right into it.

Rock Pigeons are very common all across North America and since 97% of our audience is from there, you should all know very well how tough these dudes are. Most people will tell you,"Oh, just stay away from them. You couldn't possibly defeat them." Well I'm here to tell you that it doesn't have to be like that. You can defeat, nay, destroy these birds with these three easy to learn (moderately hard to master) Slamkwondo techniques.

1. Slamming Board 

Reader, this is one of the most ancient pigeon slaying moves in all of history and it is of great reluctance (but also smug satisfaction) that I teach it to you. To begin this move you must "call out" your target. This consists of pointing at and intimidating your opponent. Honestly this is the hardest part of the move because pigeons are not easily intimidated. What I like to do is always keep a large hat clipped to my belt for this exact scenario. Pigeons cannot comprehend abnormally large hats and will likely become frightened. This is exactly when you pick up your wooden board, grip it with two hands, raise it over your head, and slam it down on your opponent with all your might. This will smash the fuck out of your enemy. If you follow these two steps, yeah, he should be pretty smashed.

2. Grand Slam

If you're a baseball fan you may be pretty excited about this move, and you know what, I'm glad you found something to be excited about, because as I understand it baseball is a very boring experience.
Things you will need to complete this move:

• A baseball bat
• A lot of psychic energy

This move will only work if you can sneak up on the pigeon, so if you've already been spotted your baseball bat will be utterly useless. Upon getting its back, use your foot to elevate the pigeon into the air. This is when using your psychic energy is going to come into play. The pigeon will realize that it has been compromised and start to create its own psychic barrier to use as a shield. DO NOT LET THIS PHASE YOU. The barrier will be extremely weak, but if you aren't prepared for it then it just might stop your attack. Swing your baseball bat and simultaneously infuse it with a decent amount of psychic energy. Figuring out the right amount of force could be tricky, making this attack a little more difficult. I recommend you practice it at home before you try it out in the real world. If you connect, it will send your opponent out of the earth's atmosphere and far away from harming you (maybe).

3. X-Block to Ground Slam Conversion

The X-Block to Ground Slam Conversion is a move that contains both a block (X-Block) and a counter attack (Ground Slam). This is an important move to learn because, if done correctly, can counter most of the pigeons attacks and also deal an excellent amount of damage. Start this move by getting into a very wide (and low) stance. You should look sort of like you don't know how to squat correctly. Next put your arms in front of you in an "X" crossing your forearms over one another. As you all know, and X is nature's strongest shape and therefore can absorb most, if not all, of a birds blunt force attack. WARNING: While this block is extremely effective at countering blunt force some psychic energy may sneak through your guard, so be weary of what type of attack your opponent is gearing up for. At the exact moment of impact use the power absorbed from the block to slam the pigeon into the ground.

If these moves are done correctly they can be devastating, but with great power comes great responsibility, Reader. I hope that I won't regret sharing these techniques with you and that I've made the world a safer place. Thanks for reading and I'll see you later.