What In God's Name Is Up With Dodo Birds?

Salutations, Reader! I'm hoping you've gotten married or at least proposed to a stranger on the street since we last talked/ I last mentally strapped you to a chair and forced you to read these fucking articles. New topic this week, as always, and today we'll be learning all about what the hell happened with those darn Dodo birds. These silly birds have so many intricacies that it's insulting we dare try to unravel them, but we sure are gonna try anyway! Without further ado, let's discuss these funny little feathery friends!
Damn these guys are kinda big

The Birds That Defied The Sanctity Of God 
Existing before the universe, the creators of God Himself, and plague the world until 1681, the Dodo bird is not exactly what you'd call... let's say... wanted in the ecosystem. But they were there, so it's my job to know about them. The easiest way to do this is like a timeline so buckle up your seat belts, you're about to see through time, starting with the first known presence of the Dodo bird.
  • The Beginning Of Time - Time is a relative concept existing only consciously to humans. Before time happened, no one ever knew when it was, so, thinking that in the future time could be helpful, they started time so that we can know when to go to work.
  • 30- 33 A.D. - Little known fact, the Dodo birds actually killed Jesus.
  • 1601 -  The first records and printed illustration of a Dodo bird are provided by Dutch explorers during the Second Dutch Expedition to Indonesia, in which these birds were viciously slaughtered by the many and ruthlessly eaten by the explorers. This officially began the transition of the world out of the Middle Ages and straight into Hell.
  • Mid-1600s - As their power was waxing and they had less of a hold on the mechanisms that controlled the earth, the universe, and the complex entirety of the Cosmos, the Dodo birds were transported around the world by sailors. This was called The Marine Parade of the Dodos, and every report of this venture explains that nothing fun has happened since this ever. 
  • More Mid-1600s - So unfortunately this killed a lot of these birds. This is one of leading causes that Dodo birds are extinct today.
  • Ice Age (2002) - The most recent record of these birds known to man, and probably the last, as they are shown losing their last female of the entire population without enough time to develop medical gender change operations.
Notable Specimens
Some Dodo birds were more powerful than the others, and seeing as they were already pretty powerful, we should probably tell you about them:
  • Gerald - Credited with creating the concepts of imperialism and capitalism, this Dodo really put this entire world in a bad place from beyond the grave. Real good stuff, Gerald.
    The imperialistic Gerald, about to colonize Pangaea 
  • Gerry - This bird not only helped with creating time (his girlfriend was taking too long to get ready and he wanted to prove it), but also held the world record for most hot dogs eaten in ten minutes until 2012. Way to go, Gerry.
    Gerry's famous pose after his infamous hot dog eating victory 
  • Gerard -  The most beautiful Dodo of all time, and the greatest Halo player to ever exist. He was extremely buff and handsome, which helped greatly with his Oedipus complex. Gross.
    No comment.
  • Gean - A particularly beautiful female, this is actually the female that died in Ice Age (2002), and doomed the entire species forever. Real power move Gean.
    Gean, waking up in the morning, thinking of the absolute best way to bring down the patriarchy
  • Mark Antony - Dear friend of the late Julius Caesar, Mark Antony is most well known for his actions to avenge the death of Caesar, and for his funeral speech in William Shakespeare's 'Julius Caesar'. Proud of you, Mark.
    Need I say more? Beautiful. Majestic. Powerful.
    Big Big Baby, Baby Baby Boy, Big Big Baby Baby Boy, that's what you are Reader, yep. Not only do I have evidence to support my claim, but I also have even more evidence to support my claim, none of which will I be sharing with you. Regardless, you are a Big Big Baby, Baby Baby Boy, Big Big Baby Baby Boy that knows how to read so at least you got that going for you. Thank you for taking time out of your Big Baby day to read my article, you are all greatly appreciated, and now I will take my leave. Adieu, Reader, Adieu...

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