Crab Review #1: Florida Stone Crab

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Hello, Reader! I'm very excited to be here with you on our very first Crab Review! Since this will be a new monthly installment at BirdInspector (probably), I'm going to run you through what to expect. Once every month (probably) there will be a new crab under review, much like The Bird of the Week, only each crab will be rated under certain criteria and given a score. These criteria are subject to change as I see fit and all scores will be kept in one of my notebooks for safekeeping. If you ever want to view the list of scores feel free to email me at The current categories under which crabs will be judged are as follows: Combat Prowess, Big Money, Shell Rating, Eyeball/Eyestalk Efficiency, and their Special Ability. Now that you know all the rules, please let me review the crab.

Combat Prowess

Reader, the facts are simple: this crab can kick some ass. Its right arm and claw is large and bulky. The crab will use this arm to block incoming attacks and also to make wide sweeping attacks of its own. An excellent tool all around, yes, but its left arm is the real money maker. It uses its left, smaller, quicker, and more agile arm to make precise devastating attacks when the crab sees an opening. While this crab is an effective fighter, it can rarely take down opponents larger than itself and mostly sticks to defensive combat.
Because this is the case I give the Florida Stone Crab a Combat Prowess score of 4/10

Big Money

These crabs are mostly very broke and are actually more valuable dead than alive. In life they usually live in underwater holes and the only decorations/furniture they have are usually shells. In death they are a regular dinner for upper middle class families in Florida.
The sad and unfortunate truth. Big Money: 2/10

Shell Rating

Oh yes, The shell rating! The Stone Crab is called the Stone Crab for a reason, Reader. Can you guess that reason? Never mind, I don't have time to let you guess. It's because it's shell is really hard. Almost like a stone. It provides excellent defense for the crab's supple body and can only be cracked by the most violentest of attacks. Shell Rating 10/10

Eyeball/Eyestalk Efficiency

I'm not going to sit here and lie to you, Reader. This crab's eyes are not very good at all. Their stalks are very short and the eyes don't extend much out from under their shell and don't allow for a very enhanced vision. As we have covered, this crab is uncomfortable over extending itself and while it's eyes are not the best for vision, they are perfect for the crab who owns them. Because they work so well with the build, I give The Florida Stone Crab an Eyeball/Eyestalk Efficciency of 7/10

Special Ability

The regenerative capability of the Stone Crab is an extremely useful tool in its arsenal. I shit you not, these crabs can lose a claw, and not only will it grow back in less than a day, but it will grow back larger and stronger. These young men and women will often chop off their own arm to escape predators as a last resort because they know they can just grow it back. Absolute madlads.
Special Ability Rating  10/10

Overall, these are a very solid defensive style crab. Boasting an extremely strong shell, versatile claws, and shocking regenerative capabilities.  Because this crab is so effective in its niche, it's only predators are either highly intelligent (octopuses) or very powerful (sea turtles).

This is a premium representation of crabs at their core. Total Crab Score  33/40


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