The Bird King: Part One

Hello, Reader. I'd like to begin to type the rest of this now, so I'm going to skip the formalities. If this offends you please feel free to contact me at jacob@birdinspector.com 

During September of 2019 I began noticing that birds by my home would always be gone on the 3rd of every month. This was curious, and more importantly Reader, I was curious. As one of the three greatest investigative bird journalists in the entire world, I felt it was my duty to investigate and journal these birds. On the 4th of October I had a chance to catch up with one of the birds who disappeared (and then returned). The transcript is as follows:

11/4/2019
3:47 p.m.

Me: Excuse me sir, would you mind answering some questions about your whereabouts last night?

Bird:

Me: I'm an investigative journalist at The Bird Inspector. I noticed that most, if not all, of the birds around here routinely disappear the 3rd of every month. Can you speak to this at all?

Bird:

Me: Any information you have would be extremely helpful.

Bird:

It was at this point in our conversation that I decided to end the interview. I clearly wasn't getting anywhere with this guy, Reader. This may have been caused, in part at least, by me never having finished my training through the Junior Deputy program my dad sent me to when I was 10 because I had to get my tonsils taken out so I missed the last two sessions; one of which was the day where we saw how actual police officers interrogate criminals, so suffice to say, I'm not exactly the most skilled person when it comes to interrogations, but even with that being said, this guy wasn't giving me anything! I ended up talking to a few more birds, but I wont bother putting the transcripts here because they all pretty much read the same.

After I went home and ate some brain food (gazpacho and crackers) I devised my new plan: I would wait a month until they would leave again and follow the birds. Thus began, although I didn't know at the time, Reader, my decent into madness as well as the previously unexposed machinations of my single greatest enemy.