Three Reasons Why a Bird Would Want to Kill You

Image result for bird with weapon

     Hello, Reader. Welcome back to The Bird Inspector. We always try to give you the most helpful and intuitive guides on how to interact with birds, and today It's important that you learn about things you might do to birds that would piss them off. There are a multitude of things that you may do, knowingly or unknowingly, that may result in your early demise-via-pissed-off-avian. Obviously, we don't want this to happen to you, Reader. Who will we be writing these articles for if you're all dead? So next time you're out and about, make sure you aren't doing these three common things that may anger an otherwise gentle and beautiful animal.

  1. Poking Them With Sticks

Now, Reader, this one may seem fairly obvious to you, but sometimes the temptation is too great and it slips your mind. There you are walking down the road when you see a bird lying on the ground. You start to think, "Is it dead? Is it sleeping?". Well Reader, these are both very good questions. You see a sick laying in the grass, one thing leads to another, and before you know it, you've really pissed this little dude off. 

  2. Chopping Down the Tree They're In

Reader, this one only really applies to lumberjacks, but seeing as classical lumberjacking is one of the fastest growing hobbies in the United States, I felt as though this was a worthy inclusion. Imagine for a moment, Reader, that you lived in a tree house and some husky forty something old man in a red and black flannel starts hacking away at the base of your home. Very uncool, Reader. If you had a gun I bet you would shoot them. Well I'm here to warn you that these birds do have guns, and they will shoot you.

  3. Name Calling and General Taunting

Now we all have bad days and I understand that sometimes you need to vent, Reader, but if you're letting it out by yelling at birds, you better expect some retaliation. Some examples of this may include, but are not limited to:
  • Calling them "Stupid flying fucks"
  • Throwing eggs or small stones at them
  • Spray painting a likeness of the bird on the tree it nests in with a tiny penis and then an arrow pointing to it labeled "tiny dick bird"

Thank you very much for reading. I hope you found this guide helpful and remember to stay safe when interacting with birds. 


  1. I feel well and truly prepared to face any bird now!

  2. Oh wow I do call them stupid flying fucks a lot so I am taking note for the future. Thank you!


Post a Comment

Popular Posts