3 Birds Who Could Totally Kick Jacob's Ass

Hello, Reader! I was digging around in some garbage the other day and found some garbage trash things such as garbage and trash. I also found some very dirty nasty icky birds that climbed through the trash with me. Now, Reader, this told me two things. Not only that I must have also been that dirty nasty icky, but it also told me that there are indeed birds that can be trash birds, and birds that are NOT trash birds. Thinking about these not trash birds led me to the only possible conclusion that I could come to; I must write about these not trash birds and how easily they could kick someone's ass. Who's ass? Who's ass are these not dirty nasty icky birds gonna kick? Hmm, how about Jacob, Jacob my friend, my co-author? They could kick his ass? Yeah no shit, these birds are RoUgH. These birds are TOUGH. These birds are beautiful. So please, Reader, join me on this journey and learn about three birds that could totally kick Jacob's ass.

1. The Bee Hummingbird

Reader, I would like to direct your attention to the size of this thing. It is extremely tiny, meaning it can infiltrate extremely small spaces, such as Jacob's ear, or his mouth. Now direct your attention to his wing. It's moving so fast that you can see through it. This bird learned to transcend the laws of light just by being pretty fast. Huh, that's pretty kick fucking ass, huh? Huh? It uses its speed and size to repeatedly make quick precise attacks against larger opponents. This bird is the definition of a weak dex build, but in its defense, Jacob is no strength build.

2. Emperor Penguin

Are you SERIOUS? Look at this shit! His feathers, made for sledding. His flippers, made for flipping. His body type, made for penguins(?). His piercing glare? His apathetic stare? This man KNOWS you will die. But his soul has seen too many deaths to care that he'll take one more life before the night is out, and that life will be Jacob's.

3. The European Robin

Don't make me defend the European fucking Robin. This fucker can catch some hands. No no no, I take that back. He can't catch shit little bitch. The skies could open up and swarm with these bastards and I could finish battle with them in five minutes and walk away unscathed. I may be here to bring the truth about the other birds but the day I say the European Robin can do anything but sit there and psychically take my brain cells one by one, infect them with fucking idiocy, and leave me unable to take any action besides sit on my couch and watch Spanish soap operas to become fluent in Spanish is the day I do 'AcTuAl ReSeArCh' what the fuck even is that? But hey, at least I can tell it to

Stay Away Stay Away,
Robin, I Don't Want To Play
Stay Away Stay Away,
Your Presence Will Ruin My Fine Dandy Day 

 in a new GODDAMN language now.

Well, Reader, I hope this was enlightening for you. I've become exhausted in my rage. I will leave you be and do nothing but like, assume this reaches you well. I won't be too broken up if it doesn't. If nothing else, you got a cool anti-robin spell. Peace, Reader.

-Jason

















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