Hello, Reader! Recently, we've been getting a lot of emails from our oh-so-confused and, frankly, just plain stupid patrons. Reader, if you didn't pick up that I was calling you stupid right there, don't worry, I'm not surprised. However, if you did pick up on my bare insult, then congratu-fucking-lations you're smarter than 99% of our other Readers. Unfortunately, while it is probably the most beneficial thing I can do for society, degrading you is not part of my job. What IS part of my job is informing the public of incoming aviary intel and info, so regardless of how easy it is to make you cry, I must also answer many of these FAQs (frequently asked questions, Reader). God help me.
Our Frequently Asked Bird Questions;
1. Who Are You?
This is somewhat of a personal question, and frankly I'm not too sure how to answer without having an existential crisis. My name is Jason Lee. I tell you about birds. That's all you need to know. Weird question to ask.
2. What Kind Of Bird Is This?
Probably like a toucan? It's usually a toucan.
3. How Did You Get In My House?
This is a slightly better question. I have no fucking idea.
4. What Are You Doing With My Birds?
I'm stealing them.
5. Why Don't They Just Walk?
I'm not surprised you asked this. Birds fly because it's cool. It's okay, Reader, it's not your fault you're inherently fucking blank minded and uncool.
6. What Do Birds Eat?
Apparently your brain cells.
7. Are Birds Human?
Your elevator doesn't quite go all the way up, does it, Reader? That's okay, your ignorance keeps me employed, and grants me a good amount of impunity, seeing as I can't get punished for my transgressions against your fragile ego, cause if I'm dead who's gonna teach you about birds, and keep you in check? Someone's gotta keep a hand on your head to stop you from getting onto that high horse.
Well, Reader, I regret to say that these are not all the FAQs we get, so if you have any bird related questions at all, look in the about page for our emails, or leave some comments on our posts. We'll be happy to help, I guess.