Three Birds Whose Asses I Could Totally Kick
Hello, Reader. Welcome back to The Bird Inspector. I would apologize for not writing an article in so long but your opinion of me will never have an impact on my life because I already hate myself so much more than you ever will. Although I consider myself to be fairly worthless I do however possess a fairly intimidating physical form. Maybe not to other humans like The Rock or some other buff dude, although I do believe I could beat The Rock in combat if I had some sort of weapon like a mace or a gun, but when it comes to birds it's a completely different story. Considering the fact that most birds are fairly small and aren't super powerful I'm pretty confident in the fact that I could definitely beat the shit out of a lot of them. So, Reader, I present to you a list of three birds whose asses I could totally kick:
1. The Bee Hummingbird
Reader, just take a look at the picture above and tell me the first word that comes to your mind isn't 'pathetic'. This thing is literally the size of my pinky, and I slammed my pinky in a car door not even that hard and it broke in two places. Imagine slamming this thing in a car door. Never stood a chance, Reader. Never stood a chance.
2. The Emperor Penguin
From the name, Reader, these birds sound pretty bad ass, but I'm here to tell you that they really aren't. Put me in a ring with one of these things so I can really give them a piece of my fucking mind. The only two attacks I could even remotely imagine coming from one of these idiots is some sort of peck or maybe a slap with their flippers. Either way, Reader, I'm not scared of them. I would grab their beak and hold it shut while I hit them in the head, or if they tried to slap me I would catch their flipper and rip it off. However it works out I'm not too worried about it.
I mean honestly, just look at this dude. Doesn't he just make you want to hit him with a bat or something? There are very few birds I would actually want to harm, but this little fuck just has an energy about him that rubs me the wrong way. God, if I ever saw one of these sitting on my porch or even in a tree I was near I would feel compelled, no, obligated to beat the life out of it, and just by looking at him I can tell I would have no trouble at all doing it.
Thank you so much for reading. Love you.
This article was written by Jacob Daniel Brewer (Rooney)