Top 5 Causes of Bird Death

Hello, Reader. Welcome back to the Bird Inspector. I've been getting a lot of emails recently (not really, but it's nice to pretend) about the causes of death of our friends in the sky. I have toiled much to bring you this information so it would be nice if you showed a little gratitude for once in you life instead of constantly emailing me asking for more content. Sorry this free service I provide for you isn't quite up to your specifications, Reader. Jesus Christ.

5. Pagans 

Now Reader, this probably comes as no great surprise to you that Pagans would be somewhere on this list, I know I wasn't terribly shocked. The World Wide Bird Association (WWBA) reports that Pagans are responsible for about 9% of annual bird fatalities. Not as high as I would've expected, but a good enough showing to place them on the list. I would expect them to move up higher in the next 10 years or so seeing as Modern Paganism is definitely on the rise. It's just math, Reader.

4. Jason's Big Muscles

If you aren't already aware, Jason is a senior writer here at The Bird Inspector and as you can imagine, we are constantly interacting with birds. Whether its in the field doing interviews and collecting data, or at our office where we keep a lot of birds, we're always dealing with these guys. And his big damn muscles clobber these little creatures by the dozen. It's like watching Sauron taking out dudes with his big ass mace. It's kind of tragic, but all you can really do is sit there in awe. 

3. Various Traps and Poisons

Sometimes, Reader, when people have issues with one another, instead of talking it out they like to set traps for each other, or in other cases use poison. While this kind of behavior isn't the best course of action it can sometimes be necessary, and I completely understand that. The downside of letting your emotions get the best of you and settings traps for the people who have wronged you is that sometimes birds will fall victim to your traps by mistake. It's not their fault and I wouldn't entirely say it's yours either, Reader, but it does account for a large number of bird fatalities around the world.  

2. Cats

Cats, the only natural predator of the bird. It only makes sense that they would be towards the top of the list. The feud between cats and birds goes back deep into the history of the animal kingdom, and I cannot for the life of me think of one time birds have ever come out on top. They are just so much smaller and there is very little they can do against a tiger or a lion. If I could, I would tell all birds to stop trying to fight cats, because they're never going to win. 

1. You and Your Ugliness

You read all the way through my shitty list, congratulations, but to find out the number one yearly cause of bird death you needed to look no further than your own mirror. You are so ugly. For a lot of creatures, your ugliness isn't life threatening, although it is often severely discomforting, but for birds it's another story. They already have a shorter life expectancy than you or I and are more heavily effected by stressful situations, like seeing how ugly you are. This is usually so overwhelming for them that they die instantly, or in rare cases live for a few more days before their body completely shuts down. I would say it's a mystery to scientists how one persons ugliness could be the cause of death of so many creatures, but after they take one look at you, the question pretty much answers itself. 

This article was written by Jacob Brewer